


Dream of Living

by SilverMoon53



Series: Soft Nights, Quiet Talks [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I didn't write this instead of doing homework for once, Post-Episode: s05e04 Lars' Head, Serious discussions of death, give these kids closure please
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 04:06:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11176677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverMoon53/pseuds/SilverMoon53
Summary: When all is said and done, and Lars and Steven are safely back on Earth, Connie and Steven have a talk.MAJOR SPOILERS for the Wanted bomb. Companion Piece to “Doesn’t Matter.” Reading that is not needed to understand this.





	Dream of Living

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to QueenEgg for beta-ing! Go read her stuff, she's amazing!
> 
> Also, last chance to avoid spoilers from the Wanted bomb.

She knew he was approaching before she saw him. She didn’t know if that was because of all the time she had spent training, or because they had a connection that lasted even when not fused. 

Whatever the reason, she was thankful for the few moments’ warning. 

It had been a few days since everyone had been rescued from Homeworld and the pair had much to talk about. Sure, he had told her everything that happened, about his new powers and the new gems and the new information about Pink Diamond’s death. But one thing hung above them, and she knew she needed to tell him sooner rather than later. 

He flinched when he rounded the corner, clearly not expecting to find anyone in the secluded cave just off the shoreline. They were the only two who knew its location, and surely he expected her to be home, sleeping. 

The full moon shone behind him, obscuring his face in shadows. She said nothing, just gave her head a sharp jerk to invite him in. Her eyes stayed on her invisible target as she danced around the cave, sword flashing. _Stance wide_ , she reminded herself, _body lowered. Gotta stay balanced, gotta keep moving._

Sweat dripped into her eyes but she didn’t wipe it away. In the heart of battle, there would be no time and she needed to know how to work with it. Her arms ached from the hours of holding the sword, legs trembling with effort as she practiced her moves. She had almost finished her set when he had joined her, so she continued to say nothing until she was done. 

Finally, she lowered her weapon and wiped her face. Wavering slightly, she walked over to where he had sat down beside her bag and pulled out a bottle of water. She took a deep swig while still rooting through the bag. She grabbed an orange and started to peel it, plopping down on the cold floor next to him. 

“Hey,” she said, holding out a slice of fruit. “Want some?”

“No thanks,” he politely declined. “What are you doing out here so late?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” she said with a shrug. “My sleep cycle got all wonky while we were trying to rescue you and Lars, and it still isn’t back to normal yet. Besides, it’s a nice night and I like to look at the moon.”

They sat in silence for a minute or two, listening to the wind and the waves. Then she nudged him. “What about you?”

“Hmm?”

“What are you doing here so late?” 

“Oh.” He looked down at his hands, avoiding her gaze. “I was thinking. About my mom, and the Diamonds, and the Off Colours.” A bitter chuckle filled the still air of the cave. “There’s a lot to think about.” 

“It’s okay,” she said as she laid a hand on his shoulder. “Wanna talk about it?”

“No, not really.”

“That’s fine too.” She slid her hand down to grasp his and gave it a comforting squeeze. “I’m here. Whatever you need.” 

“Thanks. Do you mind if I tell you about my day?” he asked. “It’ll help to just… talk. Not about what happened, just. To talk, you know?” 

“Here,” she said with a smile. Still holding his hand, she stood and grabbed her bag. Together they walked out of the cave to the sand, where she laid out the blanket she brought for them to lay on. Side by side, they looked up at the stars. 

“So, I went to the Big Donut this morning…” he started. His voice rose and fell as he told her meaningless events of his day and she smiled. It was good to hear him when they weren't in danger, to hear him talking like the kid he was. He pulled his hand from hers to gesture something and she laughed.

He finished recounting his day be kept chatting. His words meant nothing; he just needed to be saying something, to allow himself to not think about all the horrible things he had been through recently. She only half-listened, her own thoughts loud and swirling in her mind. As time dragged on, she knew that she needed to speak. After nearly an hour, she let out a quiet sigh and spoke his name softly. He didn’t seem to notice and she considered dropping it. She knew he needed time, that he wouldn’t want to hear what she had to say. It wasn’t something she wanted to say, but it needed saying nonetheless. Eyes closed, she took a deep breath and said his name again. And again. Four, five times she tried to get his attention, but he was too lost in his own world to hear her.

Finally, she gave up on softly speaking and sat up. She shouted his name, placing a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. He nearly jumped out of his skin as he bolted upright to face her. The smile fell from his face as he saw her serious expression. 

“I don’t want to die.” He took a sharp breath and breathed her name out, but she shook off his attempt to hug her. She knew her words seemed sudden to him, but she needed him to hear them. “I _don’t_ want to die,” she repeated. “I want to live and see the world and grow old and keep fighting for what I believe in. I want to live and laugh and raise kids and visit grandchildren and write my own book and fall in love and go to university and I _don’t want to die._ ” Her voice cut out with a half suppressed sob and she wiped her eyes. 

He said nothing, simply watching her. He could tell she wasn’t done so he held his tongue, and she was thankful for that. A few moments of silence passed between the two as she recomposed herself, arms wrapped tightly around her legs. With a deep breath, she continued.

“I don’t want to die,” she said a final time, looking up at the stars and the moon. “But I’m going to. That’s part of being human.” She saw the way he clutched his gem out of the corner of her eye, but pushed on. “One day, I’m going to die. And when I do…” She paused once more, words caught in her throat and tears blurring her vision. “When I die…

“I don’t want you to bring me back.” 

She heard him say her name, felt his hand on her shoulder, but found it hard to register. Guilt threatened to swallow her whole, and she found herself captivated by the full moon. 

“I don’t want to die, but I’m going to, and I’m willing to.” When she spoke again, her voice was soft but full of conviction. “I’ve made my peace with that. We’re fighting a war, and I’m just human. Even if I live to see the end of it, my life is a blink compared to the gems’. And I’m okay with that. What I’m okay with, what I’m not willing to do, is live forever.” She felt him take a sharp inhale, but rushed on before he could say anything. If she stopped now, she knew she wouldn’t be able to start again. And, painful as this was, it needed to be said. “I know it’s selfish and it’ll leave you alone and death is scary but I’m more afraid of living forever and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She dissolved into tears, muttering the last part over and over as she sobbed into her arms. His arms wrapped around her, holding her close and promising not to let her go. 

Finally, her tears dried enough for her to raise her head. He was looking sadly at her, but his eyes held acceptance. 

“It’s okay,” he told her, “I understand. We still don’t really know what the deal with Lars is, and it wouldn’t be fair to put you through it.” 

“You-you’re not mad?” she asked tentatively. 

“Of course not! I’m sad, yeah, because I’ll miss you. But this is your choice to make, not mine.” His smile was sincere, though he still had tears in his eyes. “I really will miss you, you know.”

“Don’t worry,” she said with a chuckle, “I don’t plan on dying anytime soon.” He joined in her giggling, which turned into full-blown laughter as they rolled on the sand, gasping for breath. It wasn’t that the situation was particularly funny, but they both needed a release and had shed more than enough tears. 

Slowly, their laughter faded, leaving the pair in silence. The moon had risen a fair amount higher since he had stumbled upon her training session, and they were both beginning to feel the call of sleep. 

Without saying a word, she began packing up, with him helping her. Stumbling, half due to the dark and half due to exhaustion, the pair worked their way down the beach to his house. 

They fell asleep on his bed, still in their clothes and holding hands. That night, they both dreamed of living.

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell with me about this show if you want: https://cloudcoveronclearnights.tumblr.com/


End file.
